Litvak psychology of family life read online. Mikhail Litvak: “Our women have three sexual disorders

Recently released new book by M.E. Litvak “Man and Woman”. And today we decided to talk about relationships. We publish interview With Mikhail Efimovich Litvak.

1. Mikhail Efimovich, you always say that we are all born to be the first. In terms of self-realization, this is, of course, true, but how can a man and a woman get along when each of them seeks to take a leadership position?

Well, everyone is a leader in their field. And you can complement each other. A man can be a writer and his woman a translator, or she is a lawyer, he is a builder. Thus, everyone is busy with their own business. On the contrary, it helps the relationship.

2. What is love? How to understand that this is not just a hobby, falling in love, but exactly the same real feeling?

I use the definition of E. Fromm - "Love is an active interest in the life and development of the object of love." We often use the word “love”, and by this we understand anything but this feeling. But if you think about this definition, you will understand that the main thing here is not that there is no one to love, but a sudden matter, do you know how to love.

And remember, there are no dramas in love, there are sorrows in love. You accepted my love - that's good, I can develop you, if you didn't - it's worse for you. By the way, all trainings are based on love. I love my listeners, I talk about how they can become better. If they take my advice, everything will be fine. If not, well, what to do, I do not force anyone to anything and do not hold.

3. You use the term “addict love” a lot. Explain the meaning of this concept.

Addict love is a disease. Drug addiction is a painful addiction to something. Take, for example, alcoholism. A person understands that it is harmful, but he is drawn.

So it is in relationships. It is very easy to cure this disease. You need to develop yourself and acquire the qualities you need in order not to depend on another person.

4. In your new book there is a chapter “The Art of choosing a partner”, please tell us once again about the criteria for this choice. When we choose something, we must calculate everything. What are our needs?

The main five are food instinct, defensive instinct, sense of self-worth, and sexual instinct. A partner must meet all of your needs.

Let's digress from love and talk about the cost of the picture. Well, for example, there was such an artist Modigliani, he sold his paintings for half a liter of vodka, and now they cost millions. Only the cost of the painting then and now was the same. They just didn't understand it at first.

With regards to connections, I emphasize that this is not blat, this is what binds us hand and foot. Well, the future. In general, how much does a person cost? This is determined by the presence of an apartment, a car, the level of material wealth, and connections, the fewer of them, the better. After all, ties are all our prejudices, racial, class, etc. And, if they participate in the choice of a partner, in building a family, there will be nothing sensible.

5. Well, after all, probably, when choosing a partner, you need to listen to your heart?

If you listen to your heart, make a mistake. Emotions never really say anything. The emotional person is foolish man. Well, for example, I got off at the wrong stop, everything around me was unfamiliar, I was confused, but immediately got ready and got into the next transport, and if I am emotional, then I don’t think well, then I won’t be able to calm down and understand what to do next.

6. But we touched on the topic of interethnic relations. What are the pros and cons?

If you have prejudices, they can ruin everything.

7. Mikhail Efimovich, now modern man can no longer imagine itself without the Internet, here we can find everything: various self-education courses, books, and the contacts we need. And even your soulmate. How do you feel about online dating and is it really a good place to start a relationship?

I have a negative attitude towards such acquaintances. Because you don’t recognize a person on the Internet, and he can write anything. You need to get to know each other while working together. There you will get to know the man in action.
Read the continuation on the next page by clicking the page number below.

Mikhail Efimovich Litvak is a well-known psychologist, psychotherapist of the international register, corresponding member of the Russian Academy of Natural Sciences, candidate of medical sciences. His bestsellers The Sperm Principle, Psychological Aikido and many other books have been translated into major world languages. The circulation of his books exceeded 15 million copies. Thanks to the original psychoanalytic methods of the author, such as "Script Reprogramming", "Correction and Forecast of Fate", "Modeling of Emotions", "Intellectual Trance", thousands of people got rid of complexes, fears, depressions and became healthy, successful and happy. A new book by Mikhail Litvak about the most mysterious creatures living on Earth - a Woman and a Man. Nature created them so different that for thousands of years they could not agree on which of them is more important, smarter, stronger, could not find a common language, understand each other. The author reveals the main rules for creating the right happy family and options for solving problems that arise between wives and husbands, lovers and mistresses, grooms and brides.

Other books on similar topics:

Litvak, Mikhail Efimovich

Litvak, Mikhail Efimovich- chief psychotherapist of the Rostov region, candidate of medical sciences, corresponding member of the Russian Academy of Natural Sciences, author of more than 20 books on popular psychology, author of the method of psychological protection in conflicts (psychological aikido). founder of the CROSS club. Author of more than 20 books on topical issues of psychology and psychotherapy. The total circulation of books is more than 1 million copies. Books "Psychological Aikido", , "Sperm Principle", "Psychological Vampirism", "Psychological Gambits and Combinations" became bestsellers.

Regularly conducts psychological seminars and trainings in Russia, Germany, USA, Latvia, Lithuania and Kazakhstan.

Corresponding member of the Russian Academy of Natural Sciences. Member of the European Association of Psychotherapists.

Books

• "Sperm Principle" M.E. Litvak
• “Psychological gambits and combinations. Workshop on psychological aikido» M.E. Litvak
• "How to Know and Change Your Destiny" M.E. Litvak
• "Psychological vampirism" M.E. Litvak
• "If you want to be happy" M.E. Litvak
• "Don't whine! Workshop on psychological aikido» M.E. Litvak
• "Sex in the family and at work" M.E. Litvak
• “Command or obey? Psychology of management" M.E. Litvak
• "Psychological Aikido" M.E. Litvak
• "Psychological Aikido" M.E. Litvak (book "Psychological Aikido", translated into English)
• "From Hell to Heaven" M.E. Litvak
• "Adventures of the Eternal Prince" M.E. Litvak
• "Bandaging of mental wounds or psychotherapy" M. E. Litvak, M. O. Mirovich, E. V. Zolotukhina-Abolina

Links

• Official website of M.E. Litvak: cross-club.ru
• Website of the Moscow club CROSS:

And remember, there are no dramas in love, there are sorrows in love.

Recently released A new book M.E. Litvak “Man and Woman”. And today we decided to talk about relationships. Publishing an interview with Mikhail Efimovich Litvak.

1. Mikhail Efimovich, you always say that we are all born to be the first. In terms of self-realization, this is, of course, true, but how can a man and a woman get along when each of them seeks to take a leadership position?

Well, everyone is a leader in their field. And you can complement each other. A man can be a writer and his woman a translator, or she is a lawyer, he is a builder. Thus, everyone is busy with their own business. On the contrary, it helps the relationship.

2. What is love? How to understand that this is not just a hobby, falling in love, but exactly the same real feeling?

I use the definition of E. Fromm - "Love is an active interest in the life and development of the object of love." We often use the word “love”, and by this we understand anything but this feeling. But if you think about this definition, you will understand that the main thing here is not that there is no one to love, but a sudden matter, do you know how to love.

And remember, there are no dramas in love, there are sorrows in love. You accepted my love - that's good, I can develop you, if you didn't - it's worse for you. By the way, all trainings are based on love. I love my listeners, I talk about how they can become better. If they take my advice, everything will be fine. If not, well, what to do, I do not force anyone to anything and do not hold.

3. You use the term “addict love” a lot. Explain the meaning of this concept.

Addict love is a disease. Drug addiction is a painful addiction to something. Take, for example, alcoholism. A person understands that it is harmful, but he is drawn.

So it is in relationships. It is very easy to cure this disease. You need to develop yourself and acquire the qualities you need in order not to depend on another person.

4. In your new book there is a chapter “The Art of choosing a partner”, please tell us once again about the criteria for this choice. When we choose something, we must calculate everything. What are our needs?

The main five are food instinct, defensive instinct, sense of self-worth, and sexual instinct. A partner must meet all of your needs.

Let's digress from love and talk about the cost of the picture. Well, for example, there was such an artist Modigliani, he sold his paintings for half a liter of vodka, and now they cost millions. Only the cost of the painting then and now was the same. They just didn't understand it at first.

With regards to connections, I emphasize that this is not blasphemy, this is what binds us hand and foot. Well, the future. In general, how much does a person cost? This is determined by the presence of an apartment, a car, the level of material wealth, and connections, the fewer of them, the better. After all, ties are all our prejudices, racial, class, etc. And, if they participate in the choice of a partner, in building a family, there will be nothing sensible.

5. Well, after all, probably, when choosing a partner, you need to listen to your heart?

If you listen to your heart, make a mistake. Emotions never really say anything. An emotional person is a stupid person. Well, for example, I got off at the wrong stop, everything around me was unfamiliar, I was confused, but immediately got ready and got into the next transport, and if I’m emotional, then I don’t think well, then I won’t be able to calm down and understand what to do next.

6. But we touched on the topic of interethnic relations. What are the pros and cons?

If you have prejudices, they can ruin everything.

7. Mikhail Efimovich, now a modern person can no longer imagine himself without the Internet, here we can find everything: various self-education courses, books, and the contacts we need. And even your soulmate. How do you feel about online dating and is it really a good place to start a relationship?

I have a negative attitude towards such acquaintances. Because you don’t recognize a person on the Internet, and he can write anything. You need to get to know each other while working together. There you will get to know the man in action.

8. Are examples of happy relationships that started with online dating just exceptions to the rule?

In my opinion, yes. I know more negative examples of online dating.

9. Tell us what factors bring a man and a woman together, and which ones separate them from each other?

First of all, common interests and worldview bring together a man and a woman. In second place are general gastronomic tastes. In third place is sex. On the fourth - the desire to stroke. All these 4 factors are very important. But the most important thing that comes first is common interests. Then two people look in the same direction. And this is very important.

10. Expand the meaning of such a term as “psychological divorce”.

This is such a psychological technique that I invented. Its essence lies in the fact that I internally divorce my wife. But I don't tell her anything. He was born out of practice. One woman, a resident of a small town, was so worried about her husband's infidelities that she ended up in my clinic with a nervous breakdown. She did not want to get a divorce, thoughts “what people would think”, a shared apartment, etc. Well, I offered her a “psychological divorce”. I told her, “Consider your mistress your wife and yourself your mistress. Only he goes to his wife 2 times a week, and to his mistress 5 times. Wife wears a salary, gifts to his mistress. In general, she took my advice, stopped pestering him. And he stopped leaving the house. Then I thought that “psychological divorce” is the norm.

I must understand that at any moment my wife can tell me:

“I don’t love you anymore and I want to part with you.” What need to do? Wish her happiness. And thank you for the years of life that she gave. Grieve a little and look for another. And let her be happy. Many dream of eternal marriage. But nothing is eternal. Everything is updated every time.

As Heraclitus said, "You cannot step into the same river twice." I paraphrased - you can't spend the night with the same woman twice. And live with her for the rest of your life. Those. every time we change, we are already different. And in fact, every day I live with another woman, if I think well and see these changes. If I think badly, then it seems to me that I live all my life with the same one, and this is flour.

11. That is, using the “psychological divorce” technique, our claims to the partner disappear, and, accordingly, the relationship becomes stronger without mutual reproaches. But does this approach always work?

Of course always. This is the law of nature. Live for yourself. Basic love is self love.

Children will grow up, you can leave your wife or husband, you can quit your job. A you can't get away from yourself. Who does not love himself, he has no chance of mutual love.. Is it possible to impose something bad on a loved one. A loved one needs only to give himself to a loved one.

12. Is friendship possible between a man and a woman?

What can I say. There is no friendship at all. Pushkin also wrote: “Everyone has enemies in the world, but God save us from friends.” There is no friendship. Even more so between a man and a woman. There is cooperation. When there is a common cause.

13. You always say that in order to meet a worthy partner, you must be a person yourself. Please name the three components of personality in your opinion.

These are three factors. Your earnings, health and spiritual development. Read books, think, attend seminars, learn logic, philosophy.

14. If you could give one piece of advice for a man and for a woman, what would you say?

Take care of yourself. And your man will find you. When you grow up, you will be more visible from far away places.

Anyone in a relationship wants the relationship to be strong and long lasting. Now there is a lot of literature that is offered to help men and women. Psychologist Mikhail Litvak is the author of many books that are sold in millions of copies around the world. He was able to help many people realize their desires, overcome fears and complexes, accept themselves and build harmonious relationships with a worthy person. In this book "Man and Woman" he talks about such different and at the same time such similar men and women.

Of course, each person has his own story, his own a special case. And the author of the book proves this with the help of his examples. He invites readers to familiarize themselves with the problems faced by some of his patients. After voicing the question, Mikhail Litvak offers an answer to it, explaining his point of view in detail. And just then it becomes clear that even those issues that seemed insoluble can be easily solved. It's just that people are used to complicating their own lives, and sometimes they deliberately do not want to face the truth.

Mikhail Litvak tells how to make a difficult decision. Through all his advice, the thought slips through that you should always first of all think about your own development and self-realization. And the point here is not at all in selfishness, which should also be reasonable. The book puts a lot in place, gives an awareness of important things, and perhaps it will prompt the idea that you first need to pay attention to yourself, and not to your partner, trying to re-educate him or demand something. It is easy to read and with great interest and contains a lot of valuable advice.

On our website you can download the book "A Man and a Woman" Litvak Mikhail Efimovich free of charge and without registration in fb2, rtf, epub, pdf, txt format, read a book online or buy a book in an online store.

I wrote my first book, Psychological Aikido, which immediately became a bestseller. I was so delighted that I immediately wrote the next one - "Psychology of Management", and then three dozen more books appeared one after another. Today it is time to write a book about the highest form of psychological relations - about the relationship between the sexes. This form is considered the highest, because the union of a Woman and a Man leads to the birth of children. And children should be born, and smart and healthy.

The whole world is so arranged. First, the leaf sprouts, then, when the stem becomes strong, a flower appears, and then a fruit. We, people, are also arranged according to the principles of nature: first, a trunk, leaves, branches should appear, and then we can bloom and give fruits.

But why are we born? To be the very first! This is our responsibility and our duty. All living beings on Earth strive for superiority. And it is right. And we are capable of it. Remember when you were sperm cells, you had 15 million competitors, and you had to be the first. And you became one! Then something happened in the first years of your life. Something led you astray, but the obligation to be the first remained. And when they say to me: “I am the most miserable person in the world”, I pay attention to the word MOST. And I have to help you get ahead - fortunately, success, health, because I know roughly how it's done. The first rule in these natural competitions is the development of your mind. The second rule: you must know that the main person in this life is yourself. Therefore, you must constantly think only about yourself and about your development. The higher your development, the better partner you will find, with whom you will give birth to the best, smartest and healthiest child. After all, the first always seek and find the first. This is the law of life.

But why does every person need a partner? Everyone would live alone and would not know grief! But no - we are all in search of our soul mate, with whom it would be comfortable to live together. The fact is that our life is arranged in such a way that we, humans, cannot survive alone. After all, we are weak animals with simple needs: three instincts - food, defensive, sexual, and a sense of self-importance. Basically, everything is fine with us with food and defensive instincts: there is food, an apartment, clothes. And yes, there is a position. All this does not require much effort and money. But on the satisfaction of the sexual instinct, we sometimes spend our whole lives. Because this instinct is associated with several types of psychological hunger.

So, each of us is hungry for communication in the same way as our body is in need of proteins, fats, carbohydrates, which it receives from various foods. Any one ingredient will not be enough - and the body will feel bad. We expect the same from communication: we want to make contact with different people then our "hunger" will be satisfied.

In fact, you can live alone, but for this you need to have a very good preparation.

We were engaged psychological preparation astronauts, and I know that loneliness is the worst thing for them. They were locked in a closed room for a week and monitored their mental state. It happened that many astronaut candidates broke down, they developed psychosis, they began to hear voices and talk with these voices. A person can live without food for almost two months. And without communication, as without water - only a few days.

We are herd animals, social beings. If there are no people nearby, we begin to feel sad, and some may die from longing.

We are herd animals, social beings. If there are no people nearby, we begin to feel sad, and some may die from longing. I live in a 14-story building where a lot of pensioners live, including many widows. They have a pension, an apartment - what else do you need? Communication! And they go out into the street and sit on benches all day long, sharpening their hair. Whoever finds it difficult to move around sits on the balcony, watching people scurrying around below. So they stimulate their "hunger" so that there are irritants.

And who among the provincials found himself alone in a big city, for example, in Moscow, he knows the feeling of being lost - among the crowd you somehow feel uneasy. Among a heap of people, you can also feel lonely. Therefore, to feel comfortable, someone's close participation, someone's at least a minute interest in you is necessary. Once, while on a business trip in Moscow, I accidentally met a familiar professor in a crowded subway. How glad I was for him! A native face in a faceless crowd! Although before that we had only a casual acquaintance, I rushed to him as if to my own. We hugged, talked, found out who was doing what in the capital, and even planned joint scientific work to celebrate.

The second type of psychological hunger is the hunger for recognition. This is when a person enters a new company, such as a resort or a refresher course. And he immediately wants to get to know someone, so that tomorrow he will know this person, in order to feel that he is not alone! But if a person slowly comes into contact, warms up for a long time, then he will remain alone. In a rest home, for example, everyone who lives in three days already knows each other. And who during this time did not get along with anyone, he remains alone. Therefore, you need to be able to quickly get acquainted, then you will satisfy your hunger for recognition.

And yet each of us yearns to satisfy our hunger for events. So you came to your birthday, you were given the first toast. What is the first toast you say? Of course, for the birthday. Maybe you can't stand it though. But what to do? Once you get to the holiday, you must follow all the prescribed rules. In addition, nothing is decided on these holidays. For example, if your boss wished you success in your work life, this does not mean that the next day he will raise your salary and position. Congratulations, toasts are simple rituals. Another thing is when an event occurs at a holiday that goes beyond the scope of ritual actions. For example, if people had a fight, then there will be something to talk about tomorrow. Or often there are events related to sexual life. For example, a modest, shy employee has a chance to approach a girl he has liked for a long time and confess his feelings to her. Or a hidden alcoholic will finally show himself in all his glory - and get drunk, and stick to the boss, and beat the guard ... Such a holiday is remembered for a long time, because people satisfy their hunger for events.

Another kind of psychological hunger is the hunger for recognition. This is when a person gets into a new company, for example, at a resort ... And he immediately wants to meet someone, so that tomorrow he will know this person, in order to feel that he is not alone.

Other types of psychological hunger are hunger for achievement and recognition.

You learned music, and now you play complex pieces? This is your achievement. Do you do barbell? Previously, I squeezed 40 kg, but today 80 kg? Yes, it's an achievement. But do not sit still - go to the competition. Now you need to satisfy your hunger for recognition. And there it will go - the first category, the second, the master of sports ... Everyone recognized you.

But it often happens that achievements do not lead to recognition. For example, if you have been working at a factory for a hundred years, but you are sitting in the same position and on the same salary, it means that you have not been recognized. Or you want to produce new planes. But the cycle of their production is quite long: you need to take out a loan, build a plant, create a design bureau, come up with a new aircraft. But then you finally came up with it, and in the neighboring bureau a better plane was invented a day earlier than you. And you didn't get recognized. Even such nonsense as defending a dissertation may also not lead to recognition. You prepared for several years, went to the defense and did not defend yourself. Although your scientific work may have been good, people did not recognize it.

You see, everything revolves around people: you want to talk with them, and get to know them, and make friends, and fight ... But the main thing is that you want to find a person who would like to create a family union with you. He singled you out from the crowd, appreciated, recognized and gave his hand and heart. For life!

By the way, one husband and one wife is enough for a happy and peaceful life. If there are two or three partners, you will get into bad stories. In love, you are lucky one time out of ten. But naturally, if family life fails, one must get divorced and make a new attempt. So wrote Frankl in the last century. Science is moving forward. Now for the third time you can make the final choice.

When can a man start a family? When he can feed himself, wife and children. When does a woman have the right to build a family? When he can feed himself, children and husband, if something happens to him. When you are full, dressed, shod, then you have to make love and give birth to children. It is better to start a family at 25. And if not, then immediately start searching. Otherwise, you will look at other people's families and envy them.

IMPORTANT RETRACT.

ABOUT DIFFERENT LOVE

A little about love. I like Fromm's definition: "Love is an active interest in the life and development of the object of love." From it follows the conclusion that there are no tragedies in love. There are disappointments in love. We always associate love with sex, and sex is one of the types of love, erotic, the most highest level love to be prepared for.

We all need love, but we don't get enough of it. When a baby is born, he needs a mother's love. She is infantile and mature. The motto of infantile love is “Do what you want, I still love you!” And we are more often brought up in such a way that the child gets the impression that in order to be loved, you need to do something for this, not to be yourself. And in the end, if he did not receive parental love, his life would not work out.

Then comes the time of fatherly love. The motto of paternal infantile love sounds - "Do as I do." It gives self-care skills: they are extremely important. And then comes mature paternal love, the motto of which is “Do what you want.”

When a person received all kinds of love in childhood, everything will be fine with him and with erotic love. And in erotic love, the same rule applies - an active interest in the life and development of the object of love. It is better when it comes to erotic love, partners would be well trained and educated: this will help them develop each other. Unfortunately, often instead of love there is latent prostitution, that is, the desire to get married in order for a man to feed and clothe. I was once invited to a beauty school where girls aged 12-16 were trained. They were taught there how to wag their asses, how to set the table. I asked them: what is the purpose of your life? They tell me: find a rich man. I answered them: “Or maybe you yourself become rich?” Indeed, in fact, women and men differ from each other in sheer nonsense: a woman has two X chromosomes (XX), and a man has one X chromosome and one Y chromosome (XY). The only difference is in this pair of chromosomes. I recently came up with an aphorism for women: “Learn to make good money - and you will sleep with whom you want. And if you don’t learn, you will sleep with whom you have to. ” We all must and must grow to our limit and become a Human - rich, successful, healthy, happy.

Return of matriarchy

Who is in charge today - a man or a woman? Let's turn to history. The first human society was matriarchy. Animals are still matriarchy. Bees after mating with drones drive them out of the hive. The female spider karakurt eats the male after fertilization as unnecessary. Everything in nature is rational. And in the society of people now patriarchy reigns. Why? Because in the process of development of Homo sapiens, meat began to serve as the main source of nutrition. And our distant male ancestors hunted better than women. And when meat was not yet part of the human diet, women were better than men in collecting herbs and roots for food. And since they were the earners, they dominated at that time.

But everything changes and everything returns to normal. There is a law of philosophy: all development takes place in an upward spiral. Therefore, willy-nilly, even when patriarchy flourishes, one can count on the fact that matriarchy will return. And I can already see the sprouts of its origin today. After all, now it is not physical strength that provides us with food, but the head, the mind. Today, the one who is smarter eats better, and, accordingly, the one who earns more. And according to numerous studies, women are 5% smarter than men. If a woman does more stupid things, it is only because of her emotionality. Therefore, they need to train their psyche.

IMPORTANT RETRACT.

ABOUT USELESS EMOTIONALITY

Some people brag, "I'm an emotional person." They brag in vain: it means you are a fool. Emotionality is a weakness. When do we have emotions? When we are bad at thinking. Remember, it happened to you: you got off the subway at the wrong stop, were confused - where did you end up? Then they realized, understood what to do, and calmed down. That is, you began to think only when you mastered your feelings.

In general, with your mind, my dear reader, everything is in order, you just need to be able to use it. And, unfortunately, we use them the least. Moreover, we subject him to various prejudices. Just as in sports you need to train your body, so in order to develop your intellect you need to improve, train your brain.

A person either develops or degrades. If he degrades, if he does not specifically engage in personal growth, then it will only get worse for him. At first, the forces of development push us up, and the forces of degradation pull us down. At first, a person goes in circles, and after a while the process of degradation gains strength - and a person stops in development. During this period, as a rule, he complains about everything. By the way, listen carefully to what the person is complaining about. With his claims, he characterizes himself. You can even judge a person by the level of his complaints. For example, one complains that he does not have a car, there is nothing to buy it with. And another complains that he cannot buy a garage. Who has the highest complaint rate? Who is more developed? Who doesn't have a garage? The garage will acquire - again something will be needed. So, thanks to complaints, failures, we can move up. The laws of development themselves will pull you up. And people themselves are often surprised how it all turned out great for them? It should have been worse, but it got better - and a new level of complaints appears.

I had an assistant Lika. She came to me with a 4-month-old baby in her arms. At that time she was divorcing her husband and considered herself the most unfortunate person. She came to me because someone advised her to contact me. She told me about her misfortunes. I looked at her and was surprised: a beautiful young woman, and even a child, which I consider a great achievement. And then she complained that if she left her husband, she would not be able to feed her family, she had to learn something. She thought that I would burst into tears from her story, but I laughed. He probably did the right thing: it hurt her, she pulled herself together and soon solved all her problems herself. In general, at that time Leakey had one level of complaints, and now it is another. She called me recently and cried for another reason. She had to talk with one oligarch who was going to open a restaurant, and she had to pick up personnel for him. Because of this, Lika was very worried. I answered her: “What are you worried about? You do not need him, but he needs you, let him worry to please you. Complaints, of course, help to grow, but clog the soul. Therefore, you need to clean your soul all the time, clean and clean!

Family is the hardest thing

I used to treat patients with neuroses. So, a person with a neurosis understands that he is sick, but he does not rage and therefore can be among healthy people. Compared to psychotic patients who hear voices and see monsters, neurotics are harmless. But when does a person develop a neurosis? In early childhood and usually develops after trauma. And where can we get psychotrauma? At work and in the family. Which relationship is more difficult? Family. By the way, if a person in the family is doing well, then he can immediately be put in a leadership position. And if there are difficulties in the family, then at work the person will not be all right.

In general, the family is the most difficult enterprise that can be. Is there any economic activity in the family? Eat. Is there a production facility? Eat. Is there a pedagogy? Eat. All kinds of activities are there. Plus, the family gives specific products - children. Plus, there are still sexual relations between husband and wife.

Both school and production are all preparation for what? To the same family life. One scholar, Bern, even argued that education is the teaching of sexual ethics.

Both the school and production are preparing for what? To the same family life. One scholar, Bern, even argued that education is the teaching of sexual ethics. After all, the goal of education is to prepare a man from a boy, and a woman from a girl. And all this for what? To create a family. The family lays both the future of a person and the foundation of health. If the spouses do not get along, then their child will grow up neurotic. But at work, we get on our nerves. And with frayed nerves, where are we going? To my family.

For example, you had a fight with your boss. Who will win the argument? Chief, of course. And when a subordinate is defeated, he feels bad. He dejectedly leaves the boss’s office and thinks: “Oh, I should have said this, then I would have said this, he is like that, and I am like that ....”. Obsessive thoughts are one of the symptoms of neurosis. The subordinate goes outside. And what is there to react to? On the street itself, on cars, on passers-by. And he “lives” with the boss in his head. Came home. There is a wife, children, to whom he also does not react in any way: he is still talking with the boss in his head. And at night he “lays down” with his boss. Family troubles begin with children, with his wife. In the morning he wakes up sluggish, in a depressed mood, with a heavy head. Was it like that with you? Surely it was. This is not yet a disease, but a manifestation of symptoms, that is, neuroticism develops first. I helped such patients: I prescribed autogenic training, conducted hypnosis sessions, prescribed medications. Helped many. But happiness, as a rule, did not last long. People were discharged and returned to their usual environment. There they again quarreled either with the boss or with the wife - and again they got to us, the doctors. As a rule, neurotics blame everyone around for their troubles. And you have to blame yourself, because when you had a fight with someone, it was you who provoked the behavior of your offender, only you don’t notice it.

IMPORTANT RETRACT.

ABOUT THE BEST CONFLICT SOLUTIONS

We began to teach how to behave in conflict. What was the suggested principle? Depreciation: no need to argue with anyone. If a person calls me a fool, then I am a fool. And usually people begin to resent and attack: “You yourself are a fool!” There is a collision. And you have to agree: "Yes, I'm really a fool." This is the first and most important principle of depreciation.

True, there are still methods of attack: “Yes, you are smart, life is unfair, and I, a fool, communicate with the smart.” But usually this is not required: if you agreed with the offender, he is already at a loss. I called this technique aikido because there are no offensive moves in this sport. There is only defense, struggle: a person attacks, and I just move away from the blow. For example, I am standing on the edge of an abyss, the attacker rushes at me with all his might, I retreat only half a step, and he flies past - right into the abyss. And I have nothing to do with it - he himself fell.

When my patients learned the principle of "psychological aikido", things went better for them, and their illnesses disappeared. Although, as I noticed, neurotics are especially smart people. They think for a very long time, but quickly grow as individuals when they get rid of neuroticism. I have known bosses who lead poorly because they are neurotic.

But when they learned "psychological aikido", they became excellent directors. Some even went into politics.

By the way, alcoholic husbands often provoke their wives into antisocial behavior. A woman came to my seminar, her name was Lisa. She lived with an alcoholic for seven years. He wanted to leave her. And Liza, in order to keep her husband, she herself began to drink with him. Only with our help did she return to a normal life: she divorced an alcoholic, opened her own company, is engaged in advertising and writes the book "Adventures of a Former Alcoholic". Although she did not have alcoholism. But when a person drinks once a week or more often, sooner or later he will become an alcoholic. And Lisa decided to quit on time. She recently got married and had a baby.

In general, the wives of alcoholics are formed already in early childhood. If a girl lives in a family where her father drinks, then every day she observes the ugly relations of her parents. And, for example, when she plays with dolls and one of them falls, the girl, as a rule, begins to scold the toy just like her mother did to her father: “Bastard! He got drunk again, rolled in the mud. As a result, when she grows up, she will know how to live with an alcoholic, but not as a teetotaler. And so she, without even realizing it, in search of a groom every time she will stumble upon an alcoholic. I even know why women like alcoholics: they declare their love beautifully and are very purposeful. True, they have one goal - to drink. I wrote an article on this topic, “Why Women Love Alcoholics.”